Jupiter

Tomorrow I am going to take my third day off! I am going to laze around the hooch and read. I think I have the bug to do a little writting tomorrow too.

Today was a tremendously satisfying day at work. Several people had minor emergencies that I was able to resolve with little stress involved. It was a good feeling to accomplish some real work and even be appreciated for it. Alot of my job is pretty thankless and kind of never ending. Not really ever task oriented. Today was a refreshing break from the norm.

When I worked at the hardware store in MPLS, I was a veritable local hero. Every armchair backyard D-I-Y-er would stumble his way to my shop counter with a confounded look on his face that was undoubtedly derived from the painful complexity of the plumbing fixture he was holding. I was repeatedly presented with mechanical apparations as if they were being sacrificed to the god of pipe fittings and I was the priest at the altar.

Once handed over, these misbehaving devices became idle witnesses to ramblings and bullshitting about how "old timers this and that" and "those damn hippies". After several moments of toiling with cresent wrenches and cursing at my benchvise, I returned the patron's random household aparatus, more often than not by flopping on the countertop like a walleye but always backed by at least a friendly smile.

Invariably they would inspect and test the device and in doing so they were struck. These saps were struck with this idea that what they were holding was no longer junk, it was now more. It was now a symbol of accomplishment, it was the relief from a minor annoyance, it was a barganing chip with the wife, it was triumph and success. It was a new washer on a faucet valve stem. These men would then cradle this precious symbol like a magic talisman and express thier thanks as if I was a doctor who had just delivered a healthy baby boy. People had little problems and I had little solutions. I was also granted imediate respect for my talents with a grinding wheel and I was granted trust for not just trying to sell them a new part. I was now a part of thier weekend that they would at least mention the next day over barbeque.

That constant positive reasurrance and praise went mostly ignored while it was flowing like the Mississippi. Now that my praise is flowing like that leaky sink, I am starting to appreciate what it means to have a rewarding job.

A researcher may work for decades, chasing dead end after dead end, in pursuit of a lofty ideal such as the cure for cancer. Such holy grail goals are destined to be dissapointing. Even though you make progress, there would be long nights of work after which the thought is prevailent "this problem will outlast me". This is what tires me about this war. I sacrificed much of my individuality to be a cog in the largest beaurocracy in the world. I am working towards a goal that doesn't even get explained to me but is assumed to be the best interest of the voting public. I sign forms to take delivery on a new set of issued boots, the same as all my friends have. I eat chicken for lunch, if I close my eyes hard enough I can imagine that it tastes like cordon bleu.

My consolation doesn't come in through the front doors of a neighborhood Ace every fifteen minutes. My consolation comes from vague concepts of patriotism in the media and veterans who want to shake my hand in the airport. I will get my reward as a grey old man in a modicum of pride that comes from having been at least willing. That pride will likely not be enough to fill the hole from knowing about all of the transgressions, greed and harm in the world; and from dreaming about all the good that I could have done, all the help I could have given.

I have had enough joe jobs to come to the understanding that when you sell TVs, you sell out a little bit of yourself with each one; when you work on buses, you install a little bit of yourself in each one. I have no pride for that labor. It has all been time spent pursuing treasures and posesions. I have no hard feelings toward anyone who chooses this lifestyle and I don't wish to cause any guilt by expressing my feelings on the subject but I don't think I can be happy if money is my prime motivator.

I have had nothing but opportunities in life. Opportunities as small as a few moments to correspond with family and friends and opportunities as large as college and travel. I intend to capitalize on as many opportunities as practicable from here on. My outlook is positive and I will let nothing stand in my way.

I am not going to stay in the military after my enlistment is up. I will return to being a civilian. There is no way to know what the future holds for me. I have my apprehensions as well as my wife I'm sure. I don't have a plan for supporting my family. I have a determination to improve the lives of my 6 billion closest friends. I have a dedication to giving help whereever I can be most useful. Both my parents followed the socially/environmentally concious path which at times proved to be less than a finacial whirwind.

The military wasn't my first step towards working for the social good. It was an exploratory one none the less. I spent much of my time while in Minnesota, working to expose wrongdoings like police brutality, government censorship, and violations of civil liberties. I have intended these actions to transpire without acknowledgement of my involvement. Not for fear or guilt but becaue of naivety. I believed that it would be seen that I was seeking a pat on the back for following the family mold of pushing back when you know something is wrong. I now believe that expressing and sharing my enthusiasm in abolishing behavior based in greed, will only beget more enthusiasm for the same purpose. Rachel inspired my openess.

My balance for this is my wife. I expect to have us to have a family of our own some day and that will narrow my focus from helping everyone live a better life to helping my children to learn algebra. The challenge of building a family is formidable. Raising a family along with doing my part to help others with undoubtebly be a challenge of a lifetime. You are all my family and friends. I have and will come to each of your for help in one way or another. I will thank each one of you. Until we are face to face again, let this humble note serve to convey my appreciation to each of you for your continued support. Your support of Rachel and I is beyond value and among the most cherished things I have been given.

Lots of love and good things to come.
-Bert